Delayed Judgement - dulitha.dev

Introduction:

Have you ever found yourself struggling with the weight of human judgement that permeates your relationships?

Consider the sting when someone fails to fulfill a promise, leaving you questioning your worth or pondering their dismissive assumptions.

Reflect on the hesitation before sharing your true thoughts on social media, restrained by the fear of tarnishing the persona you've cultivated.

Even as you navigate through networking events, you might catch yourself evaluating new faces—can they aid your climb up the ladder of success?

All this begs an important question: is there a kinder, more enriching way to approach the people who enter your life?

I aim to explore in this essay how to practice mindful judgment, inviting you to engage with others through a lens of understanding and empathy.

You will first explore why human beings judge others, then the counter argument on why judgement as a behavior is beneficial. My hope is that you'd think twice when you pass judgement in new relationships and identify ways in which you can protect yourself from bad actors.

I caught a thought; a judgemental one

"Who is this fellow?" I pondered, as a man eagerly spoke about his vision of a social app where humans adopt AIs as friends. Mentally, I sifted him through the bullshit filter—a visionary or a charlatan ? Likewise, when a twitter famous investor posed an absurd idea on AI , the scales tipped towards doubt, "Does this fellow know what he is talking about?" Each encounter became a crucible for categorization: friend or foe, genius or jester, adept or inept, ally or adversary.

This act of judgment has been your compass in a world where making quick assessments can mean the difference between opportunity and oversight. But you must wonder if this way of living, this survivalist impulse to judge for the sake of advantage, is the only way.

You've experienced it—the toll that donning different masks takes, each a calculated measure to secure a favorable spot on someone's scale of estimation. It's a silent and persistent performance, the application of game theory to real-world interactions, leaving you to wonder whether every smile is simply another move in a complex social chess game.

But this algorithm of existence is draining—why, then, do we judge?

Primal urge to judge

Ah, the act of judging one another is an ancient and intricate part of human nature, deeply intertwined with our social instincts and our capacity for reason. You would know that passing judgment is often an automatic response to the constant evaluation of both opportunities and threats that others may represent in various contexts.

We humans judge for several reasons:

Evolutionary Basis: From an evolutionary perspective, the ability to quickly assess and judge others has been crucial for survival. Determining if somebody is friend or foe, ally or rival, trustworthy or deceitful aids in navigating social hierarchies and forming beneficial alliances.
Social Cohesion: Judgments help maintain social norms and values. By judging certain behaviors as good or bad, societies reinforce collective standards and sometimes ensure cooperation and cohesiveness within the group.
Personal Identity: Judging others can reinforce one's values and beliefs. It can be a way of affirming one's self-identity and distinguishing oneself from others, which can provide a sense of belonging to a particular group or class.
Cognitive Shortcuts: Humans often use heuristics or mental shortcuts to make quick judgments. These can be based on limited information or stereotypes. While these shortcuts can be useful, they also can lead to inaccurate or unfair assessments.
Protection Mechanism: By judging others, people sometimes defend themselves against feelings of inadequacy or cognitive dissonance. It is a way to rationalize their own choices and behavior by finding flaws in others.

The process by which humans judge one another typically follows these steps:

Observation: Judgment often starts with observing someone’s behavior, appearance, or associations.
Interpretation: Personal biases, past experiences, societal norms will influence how this information is interpreted.
Attribution: We then attribute specific characteristics or intentions to the person based on our interpretation. This is where stereotypes and prejudices can prominently distort judgment.
Evaluation: Based on the attributed characteristics, a value judgment is made regarding the person's character, capability, or intentions.
Reaction: Finally, the judgment leads to a reaction, which could be a change in behavior or attitude towards the person, the formation of an opinion, or the decision to act or withhold action.

Perils of complete non Judgement

Embracing a completely non-judgmental attitude, while well-intentioned and often rooted in a wish to be open-minded and accepting, can lead to several potential negative outcomes. While withholding premature judgment is generally virtuous, eschewing all forms of judgment can be problematic in practice:

Personal Growth and Self-Protection:

To Identify Right from Wrong Morally: Knowing what's right and wrong helps you stay safe and make good choices.
Motivation to Improve: By assessing actions, you push yourself to grow.
Learning from Experience: Judging what works lets you learn and better yourself.
Trusting Wisely: Smart judgment lets you trust the right people.
Owning Your Actions: Self-judgment leads to improvement and change.

Interpersonal Relationships and Boundaries:

Setting Healthy Limits: Judging others' actions helps you keep safe boundaries in place.
Trusting Wisely (also fits here as it involves relationship dynamics): Evaluating others' trustworthiness safeguards you from harm.

Social Responsibility and Ethics:

Making Good Choices: Good decisions often need swift, sound judgment, crucial in leadership roles.
Standing Up for What's Right: Calling out wrongs is necessary to better society.
Being Active in Society: Moral judgment connects you to communal efforts for the common good.

Innocent till proven guilty

Even in the court of law we have what we called innocent until proven guilty -Ei incumbit, probatio qui dicit, non qui negat.

Maybe we should adopt a delayed judgment approach. The inspiration came to me from the ancient wisdom of Stoic philosophy. To judiciously understand the fabric that weaves an individual's character, one must allow time and interactions to layer a nuanced portrait, reducing the distortion that first impressions or biases may introduce.

Let's identify a protocol which you can follow.

Step 1 - Non-Judgmental Observation

In your initial engagement, approach with the decisiveness of impartiality. Hold back on assigning value or conjecturing about underlying motives. Observe – that is all. Observe behaviors, listen to words, watch actions, but resist the urge to draw conclusions. Through the lens of empathy, strive instead to appreciate the context that outlines the person's words and deeds.

Step 2 - Reflective Pause

Post-interaction, allow yourself a moment of pause—a reflective recess—to consider what was observed. Sit with the behaviors you witnessed, contextualize them, and earnestly acknowledge any of your own biases that threaten to seep into your perception. This pause is the cornerstone, ensuring that future judgments, if they must be formed, are anchored in reason and not reflex.

Second Interaction – Focused Inquiry

Upon the second meeting, delve deeper. Your engagement now becomes a dance of inquiry, poised to draw out clarity on what remained obscured or muddled from your previous encounter. Herein lies an opportunity to confront initial impressions, challenge them, and court additional data.

Third Interaction – Integration

The third interaction is pivotal – a juncture where initial observations interlace with the accruing threads of fresh insights. Scrutinize for consistency, probing into the crevices where discrepancies seek refuge. This triad of interactions weaves a comprehensive tapestry of the individual in question.

Deliberative Judgment

Only now, after thoughtful observation and engagement, might you permit yourself the liberty of forming a judgment. This judgment, conceived from a meld of balanced assessments, stands yet with a humbling caveat—it is provisional, ever susceptible to adaptation as life unfurls new narratives and insights.

Continuous Evaluation

In the ongoing theater of human interaction, remember that no judgment is eternal. We, as Stoics, grasp that change is inherent to human nature. Thus, uphold a willingness to revisit and, if necessary, revise your judgments in the face of compelling new evidence.

The philosophy underpinning this framework is one of respect—not merely for the intricate dance of human behavior but also for the responsibility that attends mature and considerate leadership. It recognizes the brittle nature of human judgment—it is not infallible. It is the patient fabric of time and interaction that often yields the most accurate comprehension of one's character and potential.

Cultivating Non-Transactional Relationships

Even as we adopt a protocol for delaying judgment, we must be vigilant not to fall into the trap of transactional relationships—interactions based primarily on the exchange of favors or benefits. Encounters where each party sizes up the other for potential gain can indeed be more measured and reserved in judgment, but the end goal remains the same: what can I obtain from this exchange?

So let's identify how we can protect ourselves from forming transactional relationships.

Building Relationships on Mutual Respect

Instead, I advocate for building relationships founded on mutual respect and genuine interest. When you view each interaction not as a commodity but as a chance for mutual enrichment, the dynamics of your relationships begin to shift. Engage with the curiosity of a scholar and the openness of a friend. Seek to understand not just what someone can offer you, but who they are, what drives them, and how you can support each other on a more fundamental, human level.

The Gift of Presence

Gift others with your presence—not just physical, but emotional and intellectual. Truly being present in the company of another person is a rare and valuable offering in our fast-paced, achievement-driven world. It shows that you value the person for more than just their utility; you value their company, their conversation, and the shared moment in time.

The Art of Giving Without Expectation

Cultivate the habit of giving without expectation. Offer your help, your time, your expertise not as a transaction but as a gesture of goodwill. When you give freely, not calculating what you might receive in return, you plant the seeds of trust and generosity that can grow into deeply rooted, non-transactional partnerships.

Embrace Vulnerability

Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Share your thoughts, your doubts, your dreams. This level of transparency can be daunting, but it invites others to relate to you on a more authentic level, moving beyond the superficiality of transactional networking.

Cherishing the Journey Together

Remember, each person you meet has the potential to teach you something new, to share in your joy, to challenge you to grow. Approach your relationships like a shared journey, one where the experience and the company are just as important as the destination.

Continual Re-evaluation as Relationships Evolve

As relationships develop and evolve, so too must your approach to them. Functioning entirely without judgment is not the goal—for we need judgment to navigate and grow—but rather, to use judgment wisely and compassionately. As you regularly re-evaluate your interactions, ask yourself if you're seeing the person in front of you as a partner in your shared human experience or merely as a character in your personal narrative of success.

By incorporating these principles into your protocol for mindful judgment, you can foster relationships that transcend the transactional.

Conclusion:

In grasping the nuanced art of mindful judgment and fostering non-transactional relationships, we unlock the potential to enrich our lives and the lives of others. Implementing a protocol for delayed judgment equips us with a more measured and empathetic approach, while actively resisting transactional dynamics imbues our connections with a sense of shared humanity.

As we navigate this delicate balance, let us remember that the true depth of our relationships emerges not from what they bring to us, but from the mutual respect, understanding, and growth we cultivate within them. With this mindful approach, we build not just networks, but a community woven with the enduring threads of genuine human connection.